MY 2013 NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
· Try to avoid taking any advice from fxcking Mayans.
· Give up the “pirate talk.” That’s so 2012.
· Quit saying “huh” 50 times a day because I can’t hear and just answer every comment with “whatever floats your boat, hippie.”
· Make more eye contact with strangers.
· Hang flyers on laundromat bulletin boards offering to do Dream Interpretation for $50 a pop. Have little tear-off strips with my phone number on it and the word “Dreams.”
· When people ask how I’m doing, chuckle and say “if you only knew.” Then look real sad and remain silent.
· Make sure all the rock climbers I know are aware of the government warning about the “physical cliff.”
· Make my neighbor come wash his blood off my front door. I mean, it is his blood!
· Form better relationships with the people who give out the free samples at Sam’s Club on the weekends.
· **Respect the people who give me respect, be loyal to those who are loyal to me, love those who love me.**
